


in which Robert Baratheon really, really hates pigeons

by janie_tangerine



Series: halloween 2k19 tumblr prompts [3]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Scientists, Body Horror but it's too crack for it to count, Crack, F/M, Gen, Lord Pigeon Ned Stark is back just... under another guise, POV Robert, Pigeons, The Author Regrets Everything, Tumblr Prompt, halloween prompts being cracky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-15 10:49:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21252170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/janie_tangerine/pseuds/janie_tangerine
Summary: half man. half pigeon. total crack.or: in which Ned's teleportation experiment goes wrong.





	in which Robert Baratheon really, really hates pigeons

**Author's Note:**

> ... so, for the TUMBLR PROMPTS THING: an anon wanted _The Fly, except instead of a fly it's a pigeon. Crack ensues._ This is an honorary installment of lord pigeon ned stark for reasons, but... yeah. I DON'T EVEN KNOW. I'M SORRY. HAVE AT IT. Other than that, nothing belongs to me, the summary is me making fun of one of the The Fly's original taglines and really.... this is exactly what it says on the tin. have fun and see you all later with hopefully the frankenstein au trifecta of doom >_>

“Ned, _what the fuck_.”

It’s telling that the moment Robert says that, no answer comes.

Then again, what the hell is Ned even supposed to be answering, since _what the fuck_ is under everyone’s eyes right now.

Well, _thankfully_ just Robert’s, Ned’s and Cat’s.

Whom he called in a panic after walking in on Ned’s dumbass experiment try because _of course_ he was excited and he had to do it on his own and he couldn’t wait for Robert to come back from fucking lunch.

No, he had to try the teleportation machine himself.

And he _didn’t fucking notice_ —

“I was caught in the moment?” The head resembling his best friends’ currently sitting atop of a gray pigeon’s neck, a pigeon currently sat in Cat’s lap, says.

“Ned, for fuck’s sake,” Robert groans, gesturing to his _actual body_, which is roaming the room with _a pigeon head on top of its shoulders_, “how could you miss a damned _pigeon_ inside the machine?”

Pigeons shouldn’t shrug, in theory.

Somehow, Ned _manages_. “Touché,” he chirps.

“Aw,” Cat says, “I mean, this is — horrible, but — it’s kind of cute?”

“Cat, _please_,” Robert groans, “it’s not cute. It’s not cute _at all_. The only good thing is that they’re… both here, so if Ned helps me out with the settings we can try to reverse it. I hope.”

“… What are the bad things about it then?” Cat asks. “Other than maybe not being able to reverse it.”

Robert sighs. It’s two PM. He thinks it’s not too early for heavy alcohol. Not in _this_ case.

“That machine has a _charge_. It doesn’t work if it’s not full. And it takes _three days_ to do it. So — well. I hope you have a change of clothes because we all have to make sure _that_ — whatever _that _is,” he says nodding towards the body-with-a-pigeon-head still walking excitedly around the room, “doesn’t leave the room, that _he _doesn’t get caught by anyone and that no accidents happen in the meantime. These are the bad fucking news.”

“I suppose I can call Robb and tell him to hold up the fort,” Cat says, running a hand through Ned’s… feathers. Robert supposes. Ned _coos_ at it.

For the love of —

“Yeah. Yeah, do that. And make sure your damned husband doesn’t fly away just to see how it feels.”

Ned has the decency to look sheepish. “How did you know I was planning to do —”

“Because I fucking _know _you,” Robert says. “I’ll — keep an eye on _that_. And I swear to fucking God, Ned Stark, when you’re back the way you’re supposed to you will owe me all the drinks and first dibs for _any_ paper we’re going to write together before we retire.”

“All right,” Ned agrees, “that’s only fair. But I suppose you wouldn’t risk letting me fly when Cersei comes by just to —”

“As much as I’d love to see you ruining that woman’s goddamned mink fur, especially after she dumped me for fucking Rhaegar, what the hell does she even see in him, _no_, because if someone sees you, we’re _all_ fucked and we’re also most likely fired. _Got it_?”

“… Got it,” Ned chirps, sighing, while Cat keeps on caressing the back of his neck.

Fuck’s sake.

Robert is _definitely_ opening that alcohol he had stashed in his desk before five PM.

It’s going to be some long, _long_ three days.

End.


End file.
